It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
