I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
