When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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