The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
