filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I want her autograph on my taint
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
