even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
