The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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