if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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