you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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