i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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