the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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