You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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