bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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