UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
