Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
