Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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