I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
