In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Houston, we have a blender
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
