I met the friendliest cop last night
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
