a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
