When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
