I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
