Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
