(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
