so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
BRING THE BAGELS
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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