Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
