i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
