My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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