census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
