I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
