So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
