apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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