Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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