So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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