that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
No subtext here. People are naked.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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