My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
