The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize