You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she told me i tasted like america
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
