i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize