So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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