Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
my liver is dry heaving
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
