Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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