i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
