Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
