whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
