I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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