New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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