Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
