i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Boobs are out for the taking
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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