We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
