Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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