Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
