i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
