I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
