i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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