i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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