i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
