Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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